Wow. Your mother spent nine whole months carrying you inside of her own body. Or less if you were preemie. Or zero months, but spent a lot of time trying to adopt you. Or again, zero months when she found you wandering the side of the road while the wolf family that raised you fled from her oncoming headlights.
And you haven’t gotten her a gift for Mother’s Day, which is this Sunday by the way, yet?! This woman raised you, she watched you go through your Juggalo phase, she probably caught you watching porn at least once, and she still loves you.
It’s fine. We know you’re ungrateful, but she doesn’t have to. Here are the best last minute gifts for your mom.
1. Breakfast in bed.
Yes, it’s cliche, but breakfast is without a doubt the easiest, and cheapest, meal to make. Hopefully, your mom isn’t the type to sleep naked, or else this is going to get awkward.
You could use one of the popular online flower delivery services, but sometimes their flowers are dodgy. You want your mom to get wilted flowers? Wilted flowers are just going to remind her of your wasted potential. Call a local shop near her house, they often have better products, deliver, and will appreciate the business.
3. Buy her dinner.
She knows you just forgot to get a gift when you say, “I’m taking you to dinner!” and you pull up to the mall’s Ruby Tuesday’s. She’s going to get every appetizer and salad bar, and she will only get one plate from the salad bar too, just to piss you off. IF YOU GET THE SALAD BAR, YOU’RE WASTING MONEY IF YOU DON’T GO UP AT LEAST THREE TIMES, MOM.
4. A poorly hand-made craft.
You tried, and therefore no one can fault you for this.
Nothing says, “I stopped at Target for frozen burritos and I saw a sign about a Mother’s Day sale, so I got you this,” like a bottle of wine.
6. Amazon Gift Card
You can e-mail her a gift card to buy herself whatever she wants, because you don’t know her at all.
7. A Jar.
Maybe your mom will love the thought out reasons you love her. Maybe she’ll worry you don’t have enough money to feed yourself if you had to make such a pathetic gift.
8. Edible Arrangement
If you order it today, they can probably speed deliver it tomorrow, or you can pick up in their stores. Plus, they’re having a Mother’s Day Sale. Shove a cantaloupe wedge in her gullet every time she says you don’t visit enough.
9. Ask your sibling if you can sign the card they got her, because you forgot to pick one up.
Only works if you have siblings.
10. Make a donation in her name to her favorite charity.
Or, at the very least, say you made a donation. You can say you made a donation in anyone’s name and they wouldn’t even know. What are they gonna do? Check? You’re gonna call up a charity and be like, “Have I, Jane Doe, made a donation?” I don’t think so.