Winning isn’t everything… although it’s pretty damn close.
Caroline Rotich and Lelisa Desisa winning the 2015 Boston Marathon.
If you’re a marathon runner who isn’t Kenyan or Ethiopian, you can safely bet you’re probably not going to win. And that’s OK.
On that note, I’d like to offer my wholehearted congratulations to Caroline Rotich of Kenya for becoming the champion of the female elite race in this year’s Boston Marathon. She finished in 2:24:55, four seconds ahead of Ethiopia’s Mare Dibaba. She was followed by Buzunesh Deba, also of Ethiopia, in third.
Despite not winning the female crown, it was still a great day for Ethiopia, as that country’s Lelisa Desisa won the men’s elite race with a time of 2:09:17. It was Desisa’s second victory in the past three years. His nearest competitor, Yemane Adhane Tsegay, also of Ethiopia, was 31 seconds behind. Finishing third was Wilson Chebet from, wait for it… Kenya.
While the winners and runners-up get all of the glory, I thought it was about time to give props to some notable celebrities who should be admired for their drive to even attempt to run a marathon in the first place. They may not have finished first… or even 30,000th, but they still gave it a shot. Take a look at some of their finishing times below.
VALERIE BERTINELLI — 2010 BOSTON MARATHON
Her finishing time? 5:14:37 Despite taking over five hours, it appears that Valerie still finished a few steps ahead of contestant 22504… and probably a lot faster than any member of Van Halen could have done. #TeamVal
DAVID LEE ROTH — 2010 NEW YORK CITY MARATHON
Yes, it was a different marathon, but with a finishing time of 6:04:03, he didn’t quite match up to Valerie’s. But hey, you gotta give Diamond Dave credit for keeping his body in shape all these years. Too bad the same can’t be said about his voice.
KATIE HOLMES — 2007 NEW YORK CITY MARATHON
Running from Scientologists is a surefire way to get into marathon shape. Katie proved that in ’07 when she entered the race in New York. She finished with a time of 5:29:00.
FREDDIE PRINZE, JR. — 2006 LOS ANGELES MARATHON
Hey, I guess running a marathon was one way for Freddie to get his name back out there! His 5:50:00 finishing time wasn’t exactly impressive, but any publicity is still publicity, right?
JARED FOGLE — 2010 NEW YORK CITY MARATHON
Wait, I thought I could just eat 12 footlong meatball subs a day and I would lose weight! You mean I’ve got to run marathons too! F**K!!! Well, at least it’s good to know that a lengthy finishing time of 5:13:28 will still do the trick.
DREW CAREY — 2011 MARINE CORPS MARATHON
You’ve got to admit, whatever The Price Is Right host is doing is working for him. While his finish time of 4:41:39 was far short of a victory, it’s still a lot faster than that climber dude on the Cliff Hangers game.
AL GORE — 1997 MARINE CORPS MARATHON
I guess here is where I should make a joke about Gore losing another race, but I won’t. His 4:58:25 running time is punishment enough.
EDDIE IZZARD — 2009 1,000 MILE RACE AROUND THE U.K.
His time was 5:00:30 for one, but this was a different type of situation. The goal was to complete 43 marathons in 52 days and he succeeded. No word on if his cross-dressing alter egos substituted for him on any of the days.
OPRAH WINFREY — 1994 MARINE CORPS MARATHON
Oprah finished with a time of 4:29:00, making her the queen of the worst celebrity marathon finishers. Hey, I guess that’s something!
AL ROKER — 2010 NEW YORK CITY MARATHON
Poor Al, he finished with a time of 7:09:00, but at least the dude completed the race. To put this into perspective, while Al was running, you could have binge-watched an entire season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.